Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Top Ten Minnesota National Embarrassments

In today's installment, we'll recap those things that make Minnesota hang its head in collective shame. Here we go:

10. Lutefisk - A staple of those of Norwegian descent, it has been described by the hearty souls that have tried it as "fish pudding." It is made by soaking the fish in lye for an extended period, hence it is likely a fabulous soap as well as a completely unappetizing foodstuff.

9. MSP Rest Rooms - Well before Senator Larry Craig claimed in his tepid falsetto, "I am not gay!" the bathrooms at MSP were nationally renown as a great place for your homosexual quickie during a layover. Some airports are known for special foods or ambiance, we have anonymous frolic in the handicap stall. Hint to our hetero visitors - if you happen to have a wide stance, you may want to keep your foot tapping to a minimum.

8. Hubert H Humphrey Metrodome - Ugly, cramped, dirty, and plastic, the Metrodome has been a pimple on the dirty butt of Minnesota sports for nearly 30 years. Site of two Twins World Championships and numerous failures by our beloved Vikings. Boasts packaged corn chips, canned jalapenos, and squeeze cheese as a stadium delicacy. Really.

7. Lipps, Inc. - Don't click on this unless you want this song rolling through your head all day. You've been warned...

6. Golden Gopher Football - This team has become so pathetic that the state actually gets excited when they finish .500 and are considered as a potential team for the Motor City Bowl (remember, Detroit is south of Minneapolis, and it is December). We suck because we can't get kids to come to Minnesota for our wonderful climate. We also suck because we don't cheat, and when we do, we always get caught.

5. Garrison Keillor - The pride of the liberal learned elite, his droll observations are embraced in those realms like failure to file 1099s for the paid help. He is portentous, pompous, and a disgusting human being. He's about the biggest antithesis of a central Minnesotan as he can be. Here's a monologue for you that represents the truth, "The latest news from Lake Woebegone is in and they think Garrison is a raging dick."

4. StarTribune - Lovingly nicknamed The Red Star, this paper has been pushing an extreme liberal agenda for decades now. Their resulting free fall in circulation has been met with complete schadenfreude by those of us tortured by their editorial staffs and their glaring bias, but it also makes some of us sad because their ultimate demise will put a Yellow Dog out of a job.

3. Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura - The list of idiocy committed by this walking humiliation are too vast to be tallied here. Now known for his appearances on talk shows where, in between shaking, he espouses his theory that the US Government killed its own people during the 9/11 attacks. Offered more cogent dialog when debating Baron Von Raschke back in the AWA heyday.

2. Minnesota Winters - Numerous geographic conditions meet in an unholy combination to make Minnesota a frozen wasteland from December through March. When you look at the back of the USA Today and yours in the only state that is purple, you're a damned embarrassment.

1. Senator Al Franken - The crown jewel of Obama's Senate Supermajority, this drug infested, hate mongering, vile, repugnant puke is our greatest embarrassment. #1 with a bullet.

To the rest of the Union, please forgive us as we know not what we do.

1 comment:

  1. I knew you would have a post about this. Lost by 312 votes; that is truly amazing. This will not turn out well. Hold on to your wallet.


Please feel free to include any thoughts you may have. Know, however, that kiddos might be reading this, so please keep the adult language to yourself. I know, for me to ask that language is clean is a stretch...