Top Ten Minnesota National Embarrassments

In today's installment, we'll recap those things that make Minnesota hang its head in collective shame. Here we go:

10. Lutefisk - A staple of those of Norwegian descent, it has been described by the hearty souls that have tried it as "fish pudding." It is made by soaking the fish in lye for an extended period, hence it is likely a fabulous soap as well as a completely unappetizing foodstuff.

9. MSP Rest Rooms - Well before Senator Larry Craig claimed in his tepid falsetto, "I am not gay!" the bathrooms at MSP were nationally renown as a great place for your homosexual quickie during a layover. Some airports are known for special foods or ambiance, we have anonymous frolic in the handicap stall. Hint to our hetero visitors - if you happen to have a wide stance, you may want to keep your foot tapping to a minimum.

8. Hubert H Humphrey Metrodome - Ugly, cramped, dirty, and plastic, the Metrodome has been a pimple on the dirty butt of Minnesota sports for nearly 30 years. Site of two Twins World Championships and numerous failures by our beloved Vikings. Boasts packaged corn chips, canned jalapenos, and squeeze cheese as a stadium delicacy. Really.

7. Lipps, Inc. - Don't click on this unless you want this song rolling through your head all day. You've been warned...

6. Golden Gopher Football - This team has become so pathetic that the state actually gets excited when they finish .500 and are considered as a potential team for the Motor City Bowl (remember, Detroit is south of Minneapolis, and it is December). We suck because we can't get kids to come to Minnesota for our wonderful climate. We also suck because we don't cheat, and when we do, we always get caught.

5. Garrison Keillor - The pride of the liberal learned elite, his droll observations are embraced in those realms like failure to file 1099s for the paid help. He is portentous, pompous, and a disgusting human being. He's about the biggest antithesis of a central Minnesotan as he can be. Here's a monologue for you that represents the truth, "The latest news from Lake Woebegone is in and they think Garrison is a raging dick."

4. StarTribune - Lovingly nicknamed The Red Star, this paper has been pushing an extreme liberal agenda for decades now. Their resulting free fall in circulation has been met with complete schadenfreude by those of us tortured by their editorial staffs and their glaring bias, but it also makes some of us sad because their ultimate demise will put a Yellow Dog out of a job.

3. Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura - The list of idiocy committed by this walking humiliation are too vast to be tallied here. Now known for his appearances on talk shows where, in between shaking, he espouses his theory that the US Government killed its own people during the 9/11 attacks. Offered more cogent dialog when debating Baron Von Raschke back in the AWA heyday.

2. Minnesota Winters - Numerous geographic conditions meet in an unholy combination to make Minnesota a frozen wasteland from December through March. When you look at the back of the USA Today and yours in the only state that is purple, you're a damned embarrassment.

1. Senator Al Franken - The crown jewel of Obama's Senate Supermajority, this drug infested, hate mongering, vile, repugnant puke is our greatest embarrassment. #1 with a bullet.

To the rest of the Union, please forgive us as we know not what we do.

Remembering Morning in America

As I was evaluating the ad portfolio of a prospective agency, they offered the following as a "classic work" of theirs.Listening to the tone of this ad and what it inspires made me pine for a simpler time. Consider:

• Its focus on the positive
• Its optimistic outlook
• Its unapologetic patriotism

I guess part of the reason for this ad's pull on me is the fond memories it invokes - it was originally released while I was in college, and when my entire life was ahead of me. I was as optimistic as that ad, and I couldn't wait for what the future would bring.

Times are different now. Tones more shrill. Things moving in an entirely different direction economically. Pessimism reigns.

One can argue about the relative merits of different administrations, but regardless of politics, hopefully the tone and the message contained in the ad invoked some fond memories in you as well.

Minnesota Summer Saturday

I spent a great day here in Minnesota. I started out by heading up to the duck camp in Glenwood where I met with two of my partners, Greg and Kent. I admired some of the handiwork that Web, Ben and I put together a couple of weeks ago in rearranging the pole barn, and this photo shows off our work. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we indeed have too many decoys.

We then made the quick trip to my buddy Don's open house over at his Kruger Farms outfit in Starbuck, MN. He does guided hunts for high dollar clients - mostly for whitetail deer, but also does pheasant and waterfowl. He launched this business a number of years ago, and has been acquiring land in the area and restoring it for habitat ever since. He's also developed a incredible hunt club that is a conversion of a old farm house. As Greg, Kent, and I walked through the house, it became clear that the person that designed it was the same one that designed our house. The similarities were incredible. Beyond the design, there are vast differences between our two places - Don gutted and completely replaced the inside, spending over $300,000 in the process. Us? Let's just say we've kept ours a little more "rustic."

After leaving, I took the long way back and got this incredible shot of Glenwood and Lake Minnewaska. It is so beautiful here in central Minnesota right now - everything is green, the pheasant chicks are out with their mommas, the farm fields are lush, and the corn will have no problem reaching "knee high by the 4th of July." It was a nice drive in the country on a beautiful summer day.

Upon arriving home, our neighbors called and asked if we wanted to join them on their boat for a cruise around Lake Waconia. Sounded like a perfect end to the day. Here's a quick glimpse of what the trip was like:

Here is Capt. Jon, Melanie, and Vera with a beautiful sunset.

As the sun set, the wind came up without warning, going from about 10 MPH to well over 30 in the span of a couple of minutes. With no discernable front, we were caught unaware and on the wrong side of the lake. We were instantly in rollers, some over 4 feet and breaking over the bow of the boat. Luckily the water was very warm and the boat very safe, so we were in no danger, but it was amazing to me to see how quickly things could change, and without any kind of warning. I was really glad we weren't on a bigger body of water.

Overall, it was a beautiful summer day here in Minnesota - the kind of day that makes the suffering the we endure in February all worth it.

Mark Sanford is Toast

Anyone surprised by today's press conference?

Marriages break - I get that. The true mark of a person is how you handle it.

Flying off, foisting lies, and creating vast wreckage in your wake, wreckage of things you hold dear (your job, kids, party, future, etc.) in my book precludes him from any kind of political future. This guy’s already shown the only thing that really matters to him is him.

Could he have used any worse judgement? Begone, idiot.

Hard Hitting Journalist Asks Obama Where He "Learned to Love"

Wait for the last two seconds and hold onto your lunch.

Father's Day with Pat Buddy

I stopped up the the Wellstead today to wish Dad a happy Father's Day. Mom was already up there, and I made her pose for a picture. She didn't want to because she said "you'll put it on your blog."Now, Mom, would I go and do something like that?

We started out with some nice cake for the day, which Dad thoroughly enjoyed. As usual, he made short work of it, and had a cup of coffee to wash it down. After cake we went out into the courtyard for a game of catch. After a while, we took the following video where Pat talks about his grandkids:






We had a really nice afternoon!

As we finished up our visit, Mom and Dad walked me out to the car. Dad was talking pretty good, and I wanted to get it on film. As you'll see, I guess I should have been watching where I was walking.







I think it must be some cosmic pay-back for posting my Mom's picture on the blog when she asked me not to...

Happy Father's Day, everybody!

A Dog Named Blitz - Chapter Two: "Pre Dog" Part 2

For background on this serial, please click here

You can also start at Part One of this chapter

One thing that I had not appropriately planned on my path to a dog was the reaction of my wife. My lovely bride had always been supportive of my hunting and fishing lifestyle. While her preference was that I not spend as much time doing it as I have done, she recognizes that it is a core part of me and is something that is beyond a passion. Her tolerance is atypical. I recognize that I'm lucky in this regard, and take steps to not overstep the leeway she provides me to do the things that I love. Sometimes I'm successful in this, and sometimes I screw up, but I do make the effort. Through it all she continues to love and support me, and I know very clearly that I am indeed a lucky man.

So when the subject of a dog came up, describing her response as "trepidation" would be a gross understatement. My wife is a devout cat person. She loves their independence, low maintenance, size, and attitude. In essence, what she loves about cats is everything a dog is not. Regardless, my tenacity on the subject was relentless, and I had the good fortune of getting help from my buddy JT.

Note that JT rarely is the source of help, at least from my wife's perspective. He's one of my fishing opener buddies, and clearly enjoys having a good time. The renown photo of him mooning the crowd at our wedding provides a great insight to him - fun, funny, inappropriate at times, and really disturbing from a physical anatomy standpoint all at the same time.

My wife and I had spent the weekend with him and his family on Ten Mile Lake, and part of his family included Sammy, a yellow dog out of Tom Dokken's kennels. Sam was a fantastic hunter, lived to fetch, and was an incredibly sweet family dog. My wife and I spent the weekend playing with Sammy and JT's kids - flinging sticks in the water for her to retrieve, then commanding "shake" at the end of the dock on her way back so that she'd shake the water out of her coat at a safe distance instead of getting you all wet, as most dogs want to do. My wife fell in love with Sammy, and finally gave me the green light to get a dog of my own, as long as "she was just like Sammy." Fat chance. Dogs like Sammy are once-in-a-lifetime.

Of course I made that promise, and of course it was one that I couldn't guarantee, and my wife bought it. Sucker!

While I'd not ever owned a dog before, there were three things of which I was sure in the path to getting one: 1) the dog would be female 2) she'd be a yellow lab and 3) her name would be Blitz.

As for the gender, there is debate in the dog community on the relative virtues of the different genders. Females have a reputation for being a little more anti-social with other dogs, are more messy unless they are spayed, and wreak havoc with a lawn. Males do a ton of peeing on everything, and can be distracted unless they too get fixed. There are myriad examples of dogs that don't fit these stereotypes, and at the end of the day either gender is just fine. However, since we were looking to acquire the new Sammy, it seemed the one thing I could guarantee would be that she at least have the same plumbing.

As for the yellow lab, while an alignment with Sammy existed there as well, I had already had my mind made up on breed and color. I wanted a dog that could hunt both ducks and pheasants, as well as be fun around people. For my money, one cannot find a better solution for that than a Labrador. As for color, shed yellow fur shows less on carpet and upholstery than does black or chocolate. Since Blitz would be an indoor dog, yellow would be the color for us. Second decision point complete.

Finally, her name. While a female she would be, she would also be a rough, tough hunting dog. My wife did not care, and wanted to call the dog Chardonnay, but there is now way I could see myself working a field with other hunters and dogs and calling out "Here, Chardonnay!" No way. Hence, I would give her a name that would be gender-neutral, and quasi-tough. Blitz seemed appropriate, and by appealing to my wife's German heritage, she eventually came around to the idea.

All the groundwork was in place. Now the only thing that was needed was the pup.

Go to Part 3

Morning Routine for the Yellow Dog Patrol

Here's the morning routine for the Yellow Dog Patrol:




Every morning Deuce the Dog heads up to the driveway for me and gets the paper. Yeah, I know it's cliché, but when it is -30F in January, sending a yellow dog on the retrieve beats the heck out of frigid walk down the driveway.

Ever since she was a pup, Deuce wanted to pick up and play with the paper, so I never did any training with her on this. She knew the word "paper" and the word "fetch," and she took my command the first time I tried it and we've been doing it every morning ever since.

While it is a pretty cool routine we have, there are times where it can get us in trouble. For example, about 5:00 AM one cold January morning we had just received a solid 10 inches of snow, and I knew I needed to clear the driveway in order for us to get out and get to work. Deuce loves the snow and was romping and playing while I concentrated on moving the snow off of the driveway. As I worked my way to the end of the driveway, I noticed that waiting for me there was a small pile of about 8 newspapers and one very happy yellow dog. In looking up, I noticed yellow dog tracks in the newly fallen snow literally all over the neighborhood. While we re-delivered papers where the prospects of a correct delivery appeared good, I know for a fact some of my neighbors did not receive their paper that morning.

Despite her affinity for others' papers, Deuce typically concentrates on just our paper. She usually returns immediately, unless she's distracted by something like a sample of Cheerios that has been included in the paper, in which case she'll get an early start on breakfast, and I'll get a shredded paper.

Overall, she does a great job. While I have a lot of animosity for the StarTribune and their editorial stances, having the yellow dog deliver it every morning adds so much fun that my subscription with them is safe. The latest sample of Fruit Roll Ups that was sent with the paper, though, is not so safe. Not at all.